In the end I couldn’t do the warts and all and I’ve been through some warty times since I last posted. I feel bad about that because my (good) intention had been that Mahogany Soup would chart the good and the bad. The happy and the sad. I’ve been sad alot. DH would have known but not many others. There was this one day when DH was working from home. And I found myself by his desk. I just stood there and couldn’t move. I wanted telling. What I should do with my life, with my day, with this one hour, in this instance. He didn’t have an answer. Or maybe he said ‘Just take yourself into town’ because I did. Because I knew I could flag down my bus but I couldn’t take one step towards my own personal mountain though it loomed before me, blocking my light, stifling me.
I certainly couldn’t write a post but I found I was being gifted words. One at a time. A word would come to me and I’d sit with it and that helped. Fear..Doubt…Regret…Bleak…Yet….Wisdom…Essence. Some words ended up in poems, some were in my thoughts and I’d find reflected in things others might say or adverts I’d see. They’d appear on shop fronts and street signs. Most I befriended or agreed a Truce.
I was well in to my counselling certificate at this stage too and that has been unsettling. But mostly in a good way. I’ve had two amazing weekend workshops on Writing for reflective practice and wellbeing. Knowing I was getting closer but still not not clear in my head about what I needed to do.
I told DH I was going to start on my novel again – not what he wanted to hear on a Monday morning over cornflakes though he did email me a Zen proverb later that day: Move and the path will open.
I found one myself that comforted me some: A rested field yields a beautiful crop (Ovid). Though I have felt far from rested. My head has been so busy. Figuring. Even as I sleep. Those dreams keep coming so I feel exhausted when I wake, that I have lived my disppointments over and over. A couple of good words that spring to mind in this moment now are Hope and Belief. And I hadn’t been visited by either for some time. Hopeless is so far from Hope. I have been working on shifting the Less. Cos the place for Hope is there. It’s hosting HopeLess. And there was this one day when I was in that hopeless hollow. And what came to me then were a string of words. For what…an epitaph? “Sorry, I couldn’t figure it out”. I had tried so hard and I didn’t know how much more I was expected to take.
Then things started to shift. Think earth plates. A friend said she could hear I knew what I didn’t want to do and that was a start. I knew there was a path out there for me to walk but I’ve had such problems getting to it. Life isn’t a struggle once you get on your path. I think I’m finally on my path.